He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
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Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
The big book of baby names but for safe words
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
May your day taste like creamy soup.
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again