@DailyVelli

He: is this love or what? She: What.

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@karencheee

People are like trees: you can figure out their age by cutting into them & counting the rings.

Right? I didn’t do this for nothing, right?

@GuyEndoreKaiser

After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.

@hashtag_stacks

‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place

@MaraWilson

I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer

@mommy_cusses

Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?

@Book_Krazy

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?

@DanMentos

Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*

@Playing_Dad

Wife: My friend’s turkey died. She’s really sad. I want to bring her something. What can I get her?

Me: How about some gravy?