Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
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Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.