People are like trees: you can figure out their age by cutting into them & counting the rings.
Right? I didn’t do this for nothing, right?
He: is this love or what? She: What.
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After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
Wife: My friend’s turkey died. She’s really sad. I want to bring her something. What can I get her?
Me: How about some gravy?