@Tmoney68

“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter

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@mrjohndarby

me: I was mugged by a snake

cop: was he armed?

me: *long pause* no

@HenpeckedHal

Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.

@Brampersandon_

[COPS]
*into radio* We’ve got a drunk man in the park who thinks he’s a lion tamer.

“SIR! PUT THE WHIP DOWN & STEP AWAY FROM THE CAROUSEL!”

@FrancysNjoroge

Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti

@mydmac

Can I get a piña colada please.

‘This is Starbucks’

Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.

@Great_JENetics

*found in the netflix horror section*
“Mary has a secret that’ll TEAR YOU APART”
Movie name: Mary piranha

@GoodZiIIa

me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?

drug dealer: what?

@Rob_Firm

Mannequin challenge but me just standing in the kitchen, in the dark, holding the ice cream container as my wife walks by unaware.

@doggiedogthedog

Alexa play Metallica…

Alexa play Metallica…

Alexa play Metallica…

Wife: what are you doing?

Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music

Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…

@RdrJay47

Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?