“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
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I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
i made a craigslist ad !
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
anyone else like Italian cereal
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.