“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
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airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
i’m sure it’s fine
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
How do you milk an almond?
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies