He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
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The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.