he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
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stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?