haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
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I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
Same pineapple, same
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.