“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
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King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious