@causticbob

“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation

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@JillianKarger

ME: alexa, make it quieter

*music gets way too quiet*

ME: alexa, make it louder

*music gets super loud*

ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter

ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?

ME: jesus christ

ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts

@AndyAsAdjective

flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane

me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!

@twylaredsun

Sending a second cup of coffee down to check on the first one to see why it’s not doing its job

@gobmentcheese

I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”

@SatansTongue

*el chapo dies*
God: okay I’m gonna have to send you to hell
Chapo: ok
*3 weeks later*
Angel: El Chapo has escaped from hell

@Brampersandon_

[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…

@badAzz_mom

If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.

@batkaren

Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.

@kaL12578

Husband bought both kids lightsabers that make 7 different sounds, loudly.

It was really nice knowing you all. Hopefully I can tweet from prison.

@maisonwithapen

HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely