And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
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Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
Tomorrow I’m gonna chase someone…like really run after them..screaming and everything.
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
ME: When do we–oh
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.