“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation

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And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so


[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!


I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!

“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”



The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.


Tomorrow I’m gonna chase someone…like really run after them..screaming and everything.


I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.


Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.

Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.



ME: What do we want?!


ME: When do we–oh


T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH


Some are mad Trump won.

Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.

I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.