He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
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Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s