@david8hughes: [wearing World's Best Dad shirt] Wife: whys there blood on your shirt? Me: its not my blood Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt

@TheTweetOfGod: Thank Satan it's Monday.

@LeahBonnema: I can't take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It's still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.

@Jake_Vig: Turn off autocorrect? Challinje aceptid.

@3sunzzz: Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I'll be your Uber driver. Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask? Me: We'll be making one quick stop.