@scrappy_momma

He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…

Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”

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@mrjohndarby

Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper

@CruisinSoozan

Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.

The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.

@Marlebean

Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …

@Chumpstring

ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there

@1800Randy

I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.

@ciara_wardlow

Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.

@WilliamAder

Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.