My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
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“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.