*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
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Tin Man: I want a heart
Cowardly Lion: I want courage
Scarecrow: and a brain
Me: lemme get uhhhhhh
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
MIL: You’re going to give me a heart attack someday!
M: Last time I checked you didn’t even have a heart.
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
[a spider watching soccer when someone kicks a ball into the net] hell yeah, now eat it
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
If a woman wants to date me, she has to meet my strict criteria
2. At least one eye
3. A pulse
4. Not that bothered about 1
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems