@70Ceeks

*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”

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@ArfMeasures

*sees “The customer is always right” sign*

*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*

@Barknado69

Tin Man: I want a heart

Cowardly Lion: I want courage

Scarecrow: and a brain

Me: lemme get uhhhhhh

@dubstep4dads

I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”

@JustDontBugMe

MIL: You’re going to give me a heart attack someday!

M: Last time I checked you didn’t even have a heart.

@Dani_Feld

Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.

I ate it.

Then looked for more.

@sarcasm_inc

[a spider watching soccer when someone kicks a ball into the net] hell yeah, now eat it

@GingerGander

Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.

@Jc1Johnny

If a woman wants to date me, she has to meet my strict criteria

1. Hair
2. At least one eye
3. A pulse
4. Not that bothered about 1

@ClichedOut

ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert

HER: nice i love coldplay

ME: ok we have two problems