Cat is hissing at nothing in the kitchen. Based on horror movies I’ve seen nothing good can come of this, but I’m a white guy so I’ll stay.
He-Man wasn’t gay. He was just uninterested in Teela and was very good friends with a man named Fisto.
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Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
Cotton candy is just flavored spider webs
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
Me: I’m 35.
Guy on twitter who is also 35: That’s ok I like older women.
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
9: What’s mom gonna be?