Kid: I had a nightmare. There were these flowers but then they turned into clowns and they swung around this elephant and then demon faces came out and the whole time there was this awful music playing.
Cirque Du Soleil Producer: *taking notes* go on.
He-Man wasn’t gay. He was just uninterested in Teela and was very good friends with a man named Fisto.
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**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
Son, your online girlfriend, how closely cropped are her pics?
-Just face, Dad. She’s very modest
She’s. A. Dude.
Me: ..and a small sprite.
McDonald’s Girl: Want a large? All sizes are only $.99
Me: I ASKED FOR SMALL YOU DIABETES PEDDLER ok gimme a large
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
ME: Billions of bacteria live on and inside my body
INTERVIEWER: I meant tell me about yourself job-wise
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon