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I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.