@kumailn

He-Man wasn’t gay. He was just uninterested in Teela and was very good friends with a man named Fisto.

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@thegayfarmerguy

Cat is hissing at nothing in the kitchen. Based on horror movies I’ve seen nothing good can come of this, but I’m a white guy so I’ll stay.

@MikeZakarian

Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.

@AnkCoupleTO

Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even

@HatfieldAnne

I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.

@jellybnbonanza

Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.

-Management

@PolishWonder79

Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.

Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.

@WritePlay

*knuckle tats*

( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )

(I’m a librarian)

@TamiDaBushPilot

Me: I’m 35.
Guy on twitter who is also 35: That’s ok I like older women.

@iwearaonesie

9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad