@kumailn

He-Man wasn’t gay. He was just uninterested in Teela and was very good friends with a man named Fisto.

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@TheIronSherk

Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall

@WilliamAder

Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.

@heymonroe

Hope I’m never tortured, because I just pulled a hangnail off my finger and now this entire restaurant knows my pin number.

@007Pepe_Rex

Relationship status:

I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.

Update:

I am now running out of paper towels.

@OhMattyBoy

I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.

@UnFitz

I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.

@TheAndrewNadeau

Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.

@JulieSnark

Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.

@MichaelTrying

Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.