Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
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The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.