He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
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Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
Body by sandwich.
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
⚪️🟧🟢⚪️🟡
🟢⚪️⚪️🟡⚪️
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️🟢
🟧⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
⚪️🟢🟡⚪️🟧
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️⚪️
⚪️🟧⚪️🟡🟢
🟢⚪️🟡🟧⚪️
🟡⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.