[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.

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Ran into the guy who broke my heart. Totally worth the damage to my car.


3yo: welcome to my store.

Me: thank you how much for this apple?

3yo: ummm fifty dollars.

Me: wow and these grapes?

3yo: um SIXTY dollars.

Me: geez how about this lemon?


and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc


The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.


I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex


Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”


FUN THING TO WRITE ON A POST CARD: “Weather is great, having tons of fun! Are you still planning to murder your mailman?”


Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus


Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field

Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”

Me: No I want to get hit by lightning


Lawyer: The defense rests
Judge: Counselor, your rebuttal?
Lawyer: HAHAHA that sounded like “you’re a butthole”
Judge: LOLOLOL #Buttle


A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.