He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
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Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
How wrong was this guy?
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.