He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
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Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
I’m pretty like a car crash.
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?