He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
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Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
Sticker placement is key.
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.