@junejuly12

He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.

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@imasmartass37

I caught someone stalking me so I stalked them right back.

It got awkward sitting in the same tree staring at each other.

@stephenjmolloy

Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?

Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.

Me: Yes it is.

@NathanBgood

“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors

@drinksmcgee

My Dog: Holy shit, it’s a squirrel. Come here, you little bastard. I’m going to mess you up.

Also my Dog: Holy shit, it’s a burglar. Maybe if I lay on my back, he’ll rub my belly.

@huntigula

When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly

@Pirate_nurse

If he’s dumb enough to send you a generic message in a mass text…be smart enough to reply to all

“I still haven’t gotten my period.”

@N8Swick

Imagine how excited Barn Owls were when humans invented barns.

@WilliamAder

Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.

@kamiekaymee

Made my mom the most beautiful Mother’s Day card out of my psychiatrist bills.