He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.

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I caught someone stalking me so I stalked them right back.

It got awkward sitting in the same tree staring at each other.


Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?

Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.

Me: Yes it is.


“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors


My Dog: Holy shit, it’s a squirrel. Come here, you little bastard. I’m going to mess you up.

Also my Dog: Holy shit, it’s a burglar. Maybe if I lay on my back, he’ll rub my belly.


When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly


If he’s dumb enough to send you a generic message in a mass text…be smart enough to reply to all

“I still haven’t gotten my period.”


Imagine how excited Barn Owls were when humans invented barns.


Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.


Made my mom the most beautiful Mother’s Day card out of my psychiatrist bills.