@junejuly12: He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
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@reinert03: Somebody left a baby at my front door today, and I have no idea what to do with it. I just hope it's gone by tomorrow.
@Mr_Kapowski: Wife: *from inside the closet* “Should I wear my mink coat?” Me: *adjusting cuff links and cummerbund in the mirror* “Jesus Christ, honey. We’re going to Target, not Walmart. Of course wear the mink”
@slimmy_shady: If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he's being a d-bag and won't wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.