He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
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Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
#dalle2
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
peak technology
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
🥶🥶🐶🐶
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”