@Dawn_M_

He said I reminded him of the girl from The Ring.
We laughed and laughed, and then I put an axe in his back and ate his soul.

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@crylenol

BAE: come over
BATMAN: i’m fighting crime
BAE: my parents aren’t home
BATMAN: *tears up* same

@_ElvishPresley_

Priest: may God rest his soul

*casket begins to lower*

*I start clapping*

*everyone looks at me*

Me: sorry was that not the end of it

@omically

saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert

@nbadag

WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look

@randypaint

saying “u should smile more”

-boring
-she wont like it
-will not make her smile

saying “lemme see ur mouth bones”

-very fresh
-she also will not like it probably
-haha unless?
-nope she definitely wont

@Ristolable

Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull

@MichaelTrying

Darwin is a genius. Just realized I’m attracted to women in glasses because I’m more likely to reproduce with a woman who can’t see me well.

@bonehugsnirony

Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no

@Michael1979

WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS