boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
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Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
Easy enough.
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
hmm conte-me mais
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American