Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
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Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.