He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
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my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
How do horror writers compete with current events?
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off