@junejuly12

He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.

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@TheToddWilliams

[Lab]

MONSTER: What is my name?

“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”

MONSTER: But that is your name

“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”

@BoyfriendWhat

Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”

@E_lok44

Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.

@Rollmaninoz

Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem

@AlisonAgosti

If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally

@peachesanscream

To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.

@elle91

When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been

@BradBroaddus

Wife: I want to see some snow.

Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.

Wife: I’d rather see snow.