He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
You Might Also Like
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
buying dead houseplants to save time
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
You learn something every day