Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
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Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
Punctuation is important, kids.
Coworker: You’re very immature.
Me: You’re very observant.
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!