He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
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Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.