Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
He said the spark between us was gone, so I tasered him. I’ll ask him again when he wakes up.
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Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why