I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
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I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.