@SmithWit

He said the spark between us was gone, so I tasered him. I’ll ask him again when he wakes up.

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@WheelTod

[Therapy]

Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”

Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”

@SuperRandomish

Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit

@KeetPotato

judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”

@JeffMyspace

Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts

Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts

@lecalabara

Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.

@junejuly12

At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.

@mrtiredeyes

doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day

also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week

@MarfSalvador

[Pulled over by cops]

Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!

Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT

@leyawn

someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why