Sorry I threw rice at the coffin. I don’t get invited to much.
He said the spark between us was gone, so I tasered him. I’ll ask him again when he wakes up.
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It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
A couple who are silly together stay together.
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
She: I wanna be alone for halloween.
Me: Yes, loans are very scary.
*looks at you in batman voice*
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]