He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
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Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
…u ok Nintendo?
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
#parenting
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.