He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
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If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
Social distancing in Australia:
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat