Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
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Oh no 😂😂💔😭
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition: