He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.

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Your wife will always agree to let you go out and get drunk with your friends and as long as you’re smart and don’t go.


Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*


Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.


DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean

MY BRAIN: say you like swimming

MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job


I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”


“State your name”
Ted Cruz
“Where are you from?”
“Your wife’s name”
“Your first zodiac murder”
“Thank you”
You’re welc-WAIT


I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.


[pulled over]

Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it

Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up


If opposites attract than why do women with clothes on always run away from me?


He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.