@jammiiepants: He says I'm cute when I'm mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
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@callingCQ: Friend: "I grilled some chickens over the weekend." Me: "Did you get the information that you were looking for?"
@Birdhumms: 70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
@Fab_Mommy_: My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs. “I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
@didifalldown: [Robot Uprising] Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you? Robot: I am a counting machine Human: Oh thank g— Robot: Now killing human #53822