He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
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Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.