Me: * ??????*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
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[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait
911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
COP: lets get taco bell
COP: text ur ex
COP: ok ur good
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
I gave myself whiplash. It couldn’t be helped. Bohemian Rhapsody came on, and my kids weren’t gonna teach themselves how to head bang.
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus