“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.

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Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.


Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser


My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.


I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.


My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.


My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.


If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.


her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting

me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?

her: adderall


I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.


me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner

telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back