“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
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Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one