@ConanOBrien

“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.

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@iSmokeJoints

Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.

@SortaBad

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser

@PLATINUM2000

My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.

@krisv_723

I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.

@QwertyJones3

My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.

@LifeUnPinterest

My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.

@aimeevc1970

If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.

@Skoog

her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting

me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?

her: adderall

@Juicedballs

I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.

@WhaJoTalkinBout

me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner

telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back