Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
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Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.