He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
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I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
Vodka burrito was a success
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney