“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
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Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that