“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”

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one time my boss said “salad, as a food, sucks” and this other guy was like “as opposed to like, salad as a shirt?” and that guy lost his job a few weeks later


Im the victim of an office bathroom power move. My guy used both air dryers to dry his hands while I just stood there like a wet handed fool


If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING


It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.


Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.


*pronounces “naked” like “baked”


[alternate universe]

teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes

student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today


Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.