*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
He: Does he bite?
He: How does he eat then?
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Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
So much wasted time in public school, as an adult I’ve never used cursive, done algebra, or had to remember anything from sex ed.
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.
*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
[god creating ants]
I’m a Civil War reenactor but I only reenact the time General Ambrose Burnside took a three hour nap.
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.