@Try2StopME

He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?

She: Roger

He: Does he bite?

She: No

He: How does he eat then?

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@shutupmikeginn

So much wasted time in public school, as an adult I’ve never used cursive, done algebra, or had to remember anything from sex ed.

@SortaBad

If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again

@Death_Buddy

*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*

@Spaziotwat

Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”

@truegritrumble

GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.

*12 hours later*

GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.

@Gooooats

I’m a Civil War reenactor but I only reenact the time General Ambrose Burnside took a three hour nap.

@clindsaysway

We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.