He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.

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That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….


that horrifying moment when a kid asks u to help find his mom bc he was always told if he was lost to ask a grownup & u realize ur a grownup


Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’


It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.


TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.


“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”

[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]

“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”


Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.

Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.