That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
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[drops phone in toilet]
Let’s turn this Pizza Hut into a pizza home.
that horrifying moment when a kid asks u to help find his mom bc he was always told if he was lost to ask a grownup & u realize ur a grownup
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.
Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.