He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
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I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
Yup.
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
I’m not average. I’m mean.
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.