He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
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My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
Bill is short for Billiam
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*