He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
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restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
Follow me for more life hacks.
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight