@2tickytacky

He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.

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@impaulmccoy

Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?

Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.

@copymama

My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.

@Awk0Tacoo

Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.

@Jake_Vig

Torn this election season.

I think it would be awesome to have the first woman president.

But I’m also curious about the apocalypse.

@bencoffeehall

Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.

@michaelpielocik

Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.

@stockejock

I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.

@mas6228

To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now