He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
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There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
birds and squirrels envy us
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie