*runs in place*
*takes a deep breath*
*heads toward buffet*
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
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eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom.
me when i see my girls butt
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
He: Does he bite?
He: How does he eat then?
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
My girlfriend and I were having sex so loud we woke up the whole house.
My wife was furious.
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2