@2tickytacky

He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.

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@KateWhineHall

*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath*

*heads toward buffet*

@climaxximus

eye doctor: your results aren’t good

me: can I see them

eye doctor: probably not

@Cheeseboy22

Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom.

@Kirangandhi

Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set

@david8hughes

So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.

@Try2StopME

He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?

She: Roger

He: Does he bite?

She: No

He: How does he eat then?

@JermHimselfish

*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*

@Xoolun

My girlfriend and I were having sex so loud we woke up the whole house.

My wife was furious.

@justinbieber

Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2