He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.

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who decided that skeletons are scary bc honestly i’d be more scared if the muscular system suddenly walked into my room


I like to whisper my questions to the Librarian so they can ask me to speak louder


It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*


Secure web server:

> Email/password please.

Insecure web server:

> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?


HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]


“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck


I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams


message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.


[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?