@2tickytacky

He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.

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@Wobbuu

who decided that skeletons are scary bc honestly i’d be more scared if the muscular system suddenly walked into my room

@OohSnapItsChris

I like to whisper my questions to the Librarian so they can ask me to speak louder

@Kyle_Lippert

It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*

@iamdevloper

Secure web server:

> Email/password please.

Insecure web server:

> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?

@chuuew

HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]

@SkinnerSteven

“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck

@SortaBad

I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams

@imteddybless

message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.

@sixfootcandy

[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?