Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
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the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
Grow up never but we old may grow we
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.