@SatansTongue

He told me he wants my heart
“Sharon I’m pretty sure he’s a serial killer”
No way!
*later on with guy*
Wow you’re really into bondage huh?

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@Holy_Mowgli

ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface

@E_lok44

He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.

@SaraThomas84

If my phone is so “smart” how come it keeps letting me drunk dial my ex

@shadesof666

*gets hit by a car*

Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”

Me: “Please… I need my… phone”

*opens Twitter*

Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”

@Robert_Beau

It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.

@Halbeerz

After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies

@Book_Krazy

*[At the dinner table]*

“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”

@DrunkMrWonka

Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.