Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
You Might Also Like
Warm pools make me nervous.
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
I falcon love using swear birds
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou