Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
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Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
scares
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
Why am I like this?
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend: