Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
He told me he was my daddy during sex. Then he acted all weirded out when I started crying and asked him to pay off my student loans.
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me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
And that, class is why we keep our mouths shut whilst changing a sewer pump.
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Made horrible tea.
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!