@BeCoco77

He told me he was my daddy during sex. Then he acted all weirded out when I started crying and asked him to pay off my student loans.

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@_SetTheHook_

Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.

@OllyiConic

me: [throws bouquet]

florist: are you gonna buy something

@whereami18

My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.

@ronnui_

Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate

Friend: Hey check out this cool song

Me: Haha cool maybe

@SurlyJon

And that, class is why we keep our mouths shut whilst changing a sewer pump.

@SteussieErica

Parenting:

1st kid: Document their every move

2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time

@ehdannyboy

“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.

Lovely man.

Made horrible tea.

@iscoff

TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times

@Try2StopME

15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.

This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!