me: the candle symbolizes the joy and happiness in your life
me: alright, now blow it out
He told me he was uncomfortable dating someone with so much inflatable furniture.
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judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
My iPod started crying after I dropped it. I said “You’ll be okay, stop syncing about it”. We laughed & made jokes about Microsoft together.
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]