He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
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*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
Broom by every window for quick escape.
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that