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Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
584.
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging