He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
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Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…