AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
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HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
Even though I’m a guy I still get nervous when I pee on a pregnancy test.
Just for once I wanna be able to say “It wasn’t my fault” without 4 people breaking down why it was my fault
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
Did you hear that Tampax is replacing the string on tampons with a piece of tinsel? Just for the Christmas period.
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
If you go by “there are plenty more fish in the sea” you’ll never find love cause let’s start with the fact that you think you can date fish