He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
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Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
This headline is a thing of beauty
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
*puts my mental health in rice
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin