@GoldenSpirals

He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.

I sat back and watched it all unfold.

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@funflaps

AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you

@MunkMania

HIM: What are you doing?

ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.

HIM: How much is in there?

ME: $5.40

@notmythirdrodeo

My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.

@copymama

Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.

@MikeCanRant

Even though I’m a guy I still get nervous when I pee on a pregnancy test.

@Sean_Burgundy_

Just for once I wanna be able to say “It wasn’t my fault” without 4 people breaking down why it was my fault

@Cptnrwrpnts

Did you hear that Tampax is replacing the string on tampons with a piece of tinsel? Just for the Christmas period.

@batkaren

LITTLE MERMAID 2016:

SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!

ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*

@KKAlThani

If you go by “there are plenty more fish in the sea” you’ll never find love cause let’s start with the fact that you think you can date fish