He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
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Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
I once read a book about an assassin that would identify at least 5 items in any room that he could use to kill everyone else in the room with him if need be.
When I enter a room I identify at least 5 places I could take a nap if I need to.
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
Not all heroes wear capes…
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
Proctologist = Analyst
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.