He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
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me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it